Special Abilities (that it would be useful to have)

Being able to determine
the moment when oven chips
are cooked just right.
To know how far there is to fall
from any height.

To always find (first time)
the trip switch
when the lights have fused.
To understand the feelings
of a friend
who stands confused.

In busy restaurants
(as everybody's leaving)
being able to sort out the coats.
Having perfect timing when recounting jokes
or anecdotes.

When planning picnics knowing
If it's going to rain.
The knack of rescuing a bee
trapped on the window pane.

To know which racehorse is going to be a winner
and which will be a flop.
To gauge an audience reaction
when reading out a poem
and knowing when to stop.


(or keep going)

Items in The Edward Lear Museum

A runcible spoon and ticket (first class)
Thirty nine bottles of Ring Bo Ree
A scarlet flannel, a crockery jar
A sieve that has travelled the Western Sea
Some oblong oysters (just their shells) and the hat
Of Mr Quangle Wangle Quee
And in pride of place, in a crumbobblious case,
A branch from the old Bong Tree
Some waterproof clothes, the beard and a nose
And a branch of the old Bong Tree

From The Monster That Ate the Universe
(Macmillan Children's Books)

Sad and Disappointed

When I’m that close to promotion but my best mate’s made the boss
When a sea breeze hits the seaside and steals my candy floss
When the woman I was wooing says she couldn’t give a toss
I get sad and disappointed and just a little cross

When the rice burns on the bottom and the cheddar turns out mild
When the kitchen needs re-wiring and it’s just been newly tiled
When the internet connection’s not the one my PC dialled
I get sad and disappointed
And just a little riled

When the rhythm of my writing’s interrupted or disturbed
By a masked man with a comma and a intransitive verb
Or my passion for a parentheses has been unfairly curbed
I get sad and disappointed
And sometimes quite perturbed

When the elements of our first kiss cannot be recreated
When I wait and no one shows despite the way my breath is baited
When I slide on to the dance floor and my steps are out of dated
I get sad and disappointed
And a tad infuriated

When I’m De Niro’s understudy but never make the stage
When my eloquent soliloquy stays rooted to the page
When I feel I’m getting younger but I’ve nearly reached old age
I get sad and disappointed
And a lesser form of rage

When you wave your magic wand and you lift the witch’s curse
When you say Let’s play at hospitals and you’ll be the night nurse
When you tell me that you love me in a neatly crafted verse
I’m never sad or disappointed
In fact, quite the reverse

Hallowe’en

Darren’s got a pumpkin
Hollowed out a treat
He put it in the window
It scared half the street

I wish I had a pumpkin
But I’ve not and it’s a shame
I’ve got a scary carrot
But it’s not the same


From The Monster That Ate the Universe
(Macmillan Children's Books)

They Put a Man on the Moon

Not a bad week as weeks go. Friday’s here and the wandering Jill returns. This week she’s been in Nottingham and Oxford. She should be back around lunchtime. Hooray!!!

I finished the first draft of my children’s novel – The Comic Café. Still a fair bit of work to do on it – but the hard bit’s done. When that’s finished I can get back to my teenage poems that accompany The Mighty Molecules CD. Still not totally sure of the name. I still haven’t figured out how to get the tracks from the computer to the CD either. When I’ve done that James can start work on the lead guitar. Still need to find someone to sing them.

Had good rehearsal Monday with Damn Right. A couple of gigs coming up. All’s damn right with the world.

Bad news this week. Steven Gerrard injured. Catastrophic for Liverpool FC who’ve made a good start under their new manager, and bad news for England, too. He’ll miss the next two European qualifiers.

Read more of The Da Vinci Code. Gripping stuff. I wonder just how much of it is based on fact?
I think the moon landing was definitely a hoax. There was a programme about it on Channel 5 this week. I thought the evidence was pretty overwhelming. No stars in the photos. Flag fluttering in the breeze. No blast crater. What do you think?

From my office window I can see the tractor ploughing the big field opposite. Thirty or more seagulls following it. It reminds me of that hymn we always sang at church and school. You know the one. Lovely tune – but difficult to sing I always thought.

Just had a call from Jill. I thought she'd be on the train by now, heading homewards. But she's still in Oxford, apparantly. Buying a pair of shoes.

Hey ho.

Active

Must keep my mind active
Seven times seven
Forty nine
Convert thirty seven pounds sixty
To Euros
If the exchange rate is 6.78
Think of new ways
To describe the sky
Recall details of the past
Aged nine and three quarters
Not the hot summer
Wandering the brickfields
Under a blue-handkerchief sky
On a mission
Kicking up pebble footballs
Sliding down dusty paths
Following trails… but
What was I wearing?
Where did I keep my clothes?
There was no wardrobe in my room.
Didn’t kids have wardrobes then?
Must keep my mind active
Calculate the exact distance
From the centre of France
To here
From here to Super U
From here to La Châtre
From here to the waning moon
From here to the waxing legs
Of the universe

Must keep my mind active
Eight times nine
Hang my trousers on the line
Active! That’s the thing.
Must keep active

There’s More to You Than Meets the Eye

There’s more to you than meets the eye
A history of unfinished jigsaw puzzles
An inability to find the corner bits of sky

At first your smile seems friendly, warm, sincere
You like a laugh, diversions, something for the craic
That winning smile is your best friend’s
She thinks she lost it. But you never gave it back.

You walk on stilts, at night, beneath the moon.
A trick you learnt when you were young.
The circus pitched up on the village green.
They wanted you to join.
You didn’t want to leave your mum.

You’re well presented. Well turned out.
You’re neat. You’re smart.
Your clothes are not expensive.
Neither are they cheap.
You wear a sleeve upon your heart.
Sometimes you think your soul is fast asleep.

Once you ran the marathon.
Alone.
Not in an organised event.
Too many people cheering.
And you have an allergy to polystyrene foam
And other people’s sweaty scent.

The blurb says Always meet in public
Which is why I chose to meet you
In the Woolworth’s queue
My first impressions? Ordinary. Nice.
Perhaps a little shy.
You said hello. I said, I bet
There’s more to you than meets the eye.
You said, No
What you see is what you get.