The Sex-o-matic Christmas Gift

For Christmas this year
I was hoping for
A Wilkinson’s Sword Sex-o-matic razor
The world’s first 6 blade razor
With 5 conditioning strips
Giving 4-way directional shave-a-bility
(For everyone’s face is different, unique)
A choice of 3 ergonomic handles
(To give just the right grip for me,
For my hands are different, special, unique)
A choice of 2 colours – macho-maroon
and oh-so-sensitive silver
And a super special offer – a CD
Of sounds to shave to;
A jet plane in quadraphonic detail flying past
A waterfall, with exotic humming bird and elk sounds
A woman’s voice, low and sexy,
Purring in the next room
(Hurry up, big boy!)
And a chill-out track assembled from
The best of Portishead, Moby and Nirvana out takes.

I can’t tell you
How I was looking forward
To unwrapping my Wilkinson’s Sword Sex-o-matic
The world’s first six blade razor
From its special Christmas presentation pack

But alas, I was unlucky
Receiving only books and CDs
And a collection of Argentinean Gold Artefacts
Neatly wrapped in heavy brown calico
With a whiff of diesel oil

Maybe for my birthday in October?
Or, by then, the new Sept-o-matic 7-blader
Might be available
Now that will be a present to remember